


I will be with you.

by irittar



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Anno fix evangelion and give us meaningful resolutions to all the messed up things you've shown us, Hopeful Ending, I WILL make this a love story, I dont know what tags to put here, I promise it is, It's a love story, M/M, Mentions of previous loops i guess, POV Ikari Shinji, Post-Evangelion 3.0: You Can (Not) Redo, Rebuild of Evangelion Sequel/Time Loop Theory, dont even know what im doing here anymore, i just want these kids to be happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:36:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29799600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irittar/pseuds/irittar
Summary: Everything that should've gone right has failed in the end. And really, what did you even expect? You, Shinji Ikari, the third child. Nothing has ever come easy to you. It's no wonder things would end up like this. You, alone in your entry plug. Not much time left but to remember your life. Your short, difficult, miserable life. Oh, you're so overdramatic, but don't fret, it'll all be over soon.(I PROMISE this is hopeful. I do, I really do.)
Relationships: Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu
Comments: 3
Kudos: 19





	I will be with you.

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this came to me in a dream, so yeah.
> 
> Also, sorry in advance about the inconsistencies, because I'm sure there are some. This should take place at the end of the loop currently happening in the Rebuild movies, so what I imagine to be halfway through 3.0 + 1.0, before the timeline resets again, if the time loop theory is actually real. I'm hoping it is. I'm praying it is. So probably once the movie comes out in *checks wristwatch* seven days, this will be outdated, because Anno hates gay people and would never let me be happy.  
> And I'm afraid I don't really know much about the deep lore of this stupid franchise, so don't mind if I mess up.  
> Anyway XOXO enjoy!

>   
>  "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;  
>  when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you."  
>  Is 43:1–2, ESV.  
> 

One thing I end up noticing in these last moments is how the LCL tastes like blood. I look around me within the entry plug and all I see, all I feel and taste around me is blood. I’m breathing it, I’ve been breathing it ever since the first time I piloted unit 01.  


And I’m sitting here, once again, grasping at the controls as if my soul was at stake, because in some way it is. It’s exhausting, and there’s nothing else I can do. The broken corpses of units 02, 08 and Mark.09 lay before me, blood bursting out of artificial veins and creeping through the metallic layers that cover the man made giants.  


It’s disgusting. It’s disgusting and I can’t even look away, nor can I puke my heart out. I breathe in to try and manage to remember myself, and it tastes like blood. I keep breathing desperately, in and out, and all I can do is strengthen my grip on the controls until my hands hurt, the gigantic husks that contain Rei, Mari and Asuka’s bodies laying motionless at my feet..  


And yet there are no tears coming out of my eyes, because where would they go? They’d be wasted, mixed with the bloody liquid that I’m in. No, I wouldn’t allow myself to shed any more tears, not after everything that’s happened, not after I forbid myself from even laughing.  


Anyway. Here I am. Pathetic, right? Asuka would agree to that. I don’t know what shape my Eva is in. It must be pretty badly damaged, because it’s not responding to these, my shaky hands. Maybe it was a bad idea to take it out of the Wunder… Now that it’s not there to power it, I can’t even have it for support.  


God, I hate myself. Here I am, on the verge of death and I’m worrying about the mission. I’m also worrying about the Wunder crew. Am I really going to spend my last breaths thinking about them? Misato, Ritsuko… And well, my dead mates here in front of me. They must be dead, right? If death even means anything in this world.  


So I hate myself, and I hate this. Those are two things I’ve known for some time now. It’s been so exhausting, to be hating constantly, so what if I find solace in at least remembering the people around me? Even if they hurt me.  


Maybe I hate them too, I realize now. Oh, maybe I was just born to hate. Like how I hate my father for everything he has done to me, and how in consequence I hate Misato and Ritsuko and everyone at NERV- I mean, WILLE, for using me too. I also hate Asuka for being an asshole, and I can’t help but hate Rei, too, for never being there. I’m full of hate. I even hate Kawo-  


No. I wouldn’t hate him. Even if I did for the longest time. He was the first to ever love me, even if he turned out to be an angel. I would never hate Kaworu. I don’t have the strength, the willpower for making myself hate him, even though I know how much it hurt to watch him die, even if it was for me. I do hate that he left me, though.  


So, I’m torn between hate and love, now. As everything I’ve ever hated has been but a constant to me, and everyone I hate now was probably just doing their best. Crap, I can’t think about this, not now. I hate it, thinking about hate, I really do. And yet, even if I’m just so full of it, then why did I deserve His love, the love of an Angel Himself? If I’m so full of hate, then why do I so desperately crave company? Even if it hurts? Like with Asuka, why did I keep chasing her even if she was genuinely disgusted by me, even if I never felt love for her, why did I have such a need for her affection? I probably never was what she needed anyway. Probably I hurt her even more than she ever hurt me.  


And Rei… I loved her despite the fact that she changed many, many times. I tried to reach her, rebuild our relationship time and time again. I loved her like I’d love a sister if I had one. I just wished we could have lived a happy life. I wanted to be with her even when she just wanted loneliness, because that’s what she had been taught to want. And hell, wasn’t I taught to be lonely too? Isn’t loneliness an acquired characteristic? I don’t think I was born to be lonely. I don’t think I deserve that, even though I’m so full of shit. I want to think I was born to be loved, as were the other pilots. If only we were all loved in truer little ways, if we had been loved at least a bit more, a bit better, I think we could have been so much greater than we ended up being, all messed up and torn inside, like these beings before me, like myself inside this bloody tank.  


And yet, even if I’ve been so lonely… What can I do but treasure those few precious moments I spent with the other kids, with Mari, and Kensuke, and Toji. Wasn’t I happy then? When there were still angels, when I was still unhappy, but I managed to find solace in the spare time we shared? Even with Asuka and Rei. And with Misato, who I found really cared about me. When did that change? Does she even feel remorse after these past months?  


Exhausted. I’m exhausted. I look up, and realize I probably don’t have much time left. I think my legs are broken, I think my whole body is broken. Shit. I don’t think they’re coming to my rescue this time, and yet, I feel weirdly at peace. No, I’m actually scared to death, ironically, even if I feel… peaceful. This is contradictory, I’m sorry. I don’t think that I’m making any sense, I feel like… things are slowly merging and changing and being all messed up inside my brain. Maybe I’m passing out. I’m scared, but also glad. Is it so wrong that I want to finally die? I’m just so tired of this fight I didn’t even want in the first place. I’m tired of being important, I don’t even care anymore if I’m praised for it. I just want to rest. Is it so wrong?  


I’m sorry for this, Kaworu. Are you there, listening? I’ve realized that, after we met, all my thoughts are to you. Is this what prayer is like? It’s like I’m talking to you, even if you’re not here. All the things I couldn’t tell you, all the things I regret never telling you… I just wish we had more time. Why? If we only met for so little? Why did it feel like I’d always known you? Somehow, I couldn’t help but trust you. I wish you were here with me now, Kaworu. I wish we could share these dying breaths. Is it selfish, to want you dying by me? I don’t care if it is. You hurt me by dying, so you should repay me by at least giving me this.  


Come here, Kaworu. I know you must be somewhere… You can’t be dead, really!  


And so here I am, staring blankly into empty space. I don’t want to look at the Evas anymore. I don’t want to think about all my dead friends anymore. I just want to disappear. I just want for this to be all over. I just want for you to be by my side.  


I can’t rush it, I can’t stop hurting. My legs are worse, I think. I’m bleeding, I think. I can’t tell, it’s probably mixing with the LCL. I must be breathing my own blood now, too. That can’t be good.  


I feel time passing… It feels like entire weeks have gone by. I think this is it, though, I feel death close and closer every second. And as stupid as it might be, I start wondering what could have been if all this hadn’t happened, if the angels never came. Truth is, I would have never met you, Kaworu, and I wonder if you made all this worth it.  


With all these thoughts about you in mind, my brain starts feeling all swollen inside, as if it was trying to accommodate itself into a foreign space, the walls that are my body collapsing, the excruciating pain that was crossing it evaporating.  


And so I start seeing things as I close my eyes, this new mind regurgitating old memories, memories I never had. I remember you, Kaworu, with me in the showers at old NERV, and also us in a strange bedroom I had never seen before. I remember you saying beautiful things to me, beautiful things no one had ever said to me. I remember you telling me that you loved me. I remember words that break my heart.  


In succession after that, a hundred other memories come bursting in, of a cat, of a cat and you. But there were no cats after the Near Third Impact, not one we had seen together, at least. I also remember a kiss in the same bedroom as before, but a kiss that angered me. It makes me feel bad, to be angry at you.  


This is making me miss you so bad. But I don’t want it to stop. I don’t want the memories to stop flowing through my closed off eyes. Is this what they mean when they say that you see your whole life flashing before your eyes when you’re about to die? If that’s so, I don’t want to die anymore. I want to stay here and cherish this moment forever. Please, Kaworu, you’ve left me so many times before, just let me… Let me please enjoy this one…  


But no. There’s this memory that comes twice of you in the closed fist of Unit 01. Kaworu… you again saying beautiful words that don’t make any sense, and an overbearing anger making my whole body pulsate, my own grip on the controls as strong as the one before, when I was still awake, no, even stronger.  


Oh, Kaworu… You made me kill you, and several times at that. And you knew, I know you did. You knew from the beginning that you’d die by my hand uncountable times. And still you kept coming back… Why? When did this start? Oh, but that doesn’t matter…  


I can feel myself crying. I feel that over the numb remnants of pain that still creep through my broken bones, and I’m so glad I can, I’m so glad I do. My grasp must still be firm on the controls, breaking my fingers, but that’s not something I care about anymore. For what it’s worth, this Eva can blow up the whole wide world now, and I won’t care  


It feels so nice to cry like this. To cry from just happiness and happiness alone. No, I don’t think I was ever alone, now. You were with me even before we met, and you were there after you left. You did make me happy this time, Kaworu, even if it took a while. Maybe next time, I realize, maybe it’s the next time where we can share this happiness forever.  


Maybe at the next attempt I will feel loved enough even before meeting you, and as I am all my friends will too. Maybe with the next do-over things will work out, and we’ll find true happiness together, and not as a shadow like I’m doing now. My Kaworu, if you’re listening… I hope that by the next time I will still remember you. Every time we try again I love you just a little bit more, and maybe in this one that’s coming all the love I’ve stockpiled until now will amount to more than just a feeling. Maybe this once I’ll hold you as a memory.  


I can’t do much more than hoping, now, so I’ll spend these last few seconds praying. And as the curtain falls I think about how much I can’t wait to see all my friends again. How I hope that I’m enough this time.  


Oh, my Kaworu, I just can’t wait to see you again.


End file.
